Originally posted on Sayoni Speak
Love. Amour. Pyaar. Ai. No matter what language, what culture, the L word dominates our thinking, our lives, the media. Finding (and keeping) love, is the universal theme that connects humankind.
It might be partly the fault of media, that we have been absorbed into the myth of “love”. It begins with fairytales as a kid, when the Prince falls in love with the beautiful princess, and they live happily ever after. Then the movies, songs, which all seem to speak of this. Love has a powerful grip on the human imagination and consciousness, to the point where we almost seem obsessed with it.
Tila picked Bobby. Surprise surprise, saw it coming 5 episodes ago. I know exactly how she feels, loving two people, but eventually picking the one she is in love with, even though Dani is the sweetest, cutest person on earth. Sometimes in love, you don’t pick the better person. You pick the one who makes you feel crazily in love, gets your oxytocin flowing. And sometimes that person is not someone who will necessarily make you happy, and might even have made you cry, and might have hurt you in the past. But we are human beings, and we go for the possibility of happiness, despite knowing we are going to get hurt.
And all that sounds so very Grey’s Anatomy. Actually Tila’s choice reminds me of Meredith. A lot. And Meredith reminds me most uncomfortably of myself.
In the most shocking moment of the show….
Dani wore eyeliner!
And then again, after she was rejected. She looks really good with it… almost Shane-like.
Before anyone asks, I don’t give a damn that Tila picked a guy. It is her life, her love. And it is really about who you fall in love with. It has got very little to do with whether it is a guy or a girl, and this proves nothing about lesbians or bisexual women. And I would say the same if it were a girl.
And still I pine away for Brandi… yes, I like emotional girls. So sue me.
From the Dr of Love herself…
QT: I always read studies, which of course you can’t take too seriously, but there are studies saying gays are more inclined to be drug addicts or are more inclined to have risky sex. Obviously there are social factors to be taken into account, but is there any study of dopamine or any other chemical like that in gay people?
HF: I have no idea. For example, you don’t find the risky sex in gay women, but I think that may be a very different biological system. We hear about all the gays that are copulating under the pier in Province Town, but we don’t hear about all the gays who are settled down. We don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the huge number of swingers and polyamory people and adultery in the straight population. I’ve always felt that gays are just like straights. Who you fall in love with, that would differ, but how you feel when you fall in love – that would be similar. I did a basic study and didn’t find that my gay population chose their mates any differently than the straights. In other words, a high dopamine type is probably going to go for another high dopamine type whether they’re gay or whether they’re straight.
QT: Do you think that’s an evolutionary development to find one other person?
HF: No. I think that’s human. 97% of animals do not pair up to rear their young. Only 3% do. We do. Even 3 million years ago, our ancestors were forming pair bonds. Now, they weren’t marrying, because that’s a cortical, conscious ritual, but they were forming pair bonds to rear their babies as a group. We’ve evolved this brain system for attachment. I think that gays have it, too. About a month ago, when there was a lot of publicity, I called our CEO and said, “Let’s pull our gay people and look at who they choose”. So that I can say to the press, “The gays choose exactly the same as the straights do”.
You can find the full interview with Queerty here.
I haven’t really had the misfortune of being rejected by a queer girl before… in fact I think the only time someone rejected me outright was when I confessed to a straight girl [way back when I first came out]. Unspoken unrequited loves don’t count, because I had the good sense to back out when I knew there wasn’t much of a chance.
Unfortunately it seems not everyone has the same good sense.
For all the ladies (and gentlemen) who have been rejected before by the object of their affections: Read more »
The people to whom this is addressed know who they are: I just want to say, slow down a little. Yeah, you might be in love – you might even be thinking of marriage.
But slow down. You have your entire life to discover if she really is the love of your life, and honestly, I don’t think you can make a decision like that within a month or two. I am not discounting your feelings, but simply telling you to take a breather, give each other space and don’t neglect other people in your life.
There is more to life than love, and there is more to love than feelings alone.
I am, against my better judgement and time-management issues, hooked on a reality TV show [yes, I know, don't say it] called “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila“. If that sounds vaguely like a porn movie title to you, don’t worry it is not. Or maybe it is – Tila Tequila is as porny a name as you can get. The girl, Vietnamese and Singapore-born, is OMFG hot, and… bisexual.
The show plays on this, and pits 16 guys against 16 girls in a reality TV dating show, in a bid to win Tila’s heart. I am not sure what to think of it – on one hand, there is the obvious sensationalism, and the reinforcement of the stereotypes that bisexuals play with both genders, cannot choose between men and women, etc. And I am sensing that people are going to make too much of whether Tila chooses a boy or a girl. On the other hand, it is great bisexual visibility, and lesbian visibility – besides The L Word, there is no other show where you get to see so many gorgeous, normal lesbian women [emphasis on gorgeous - these girls could have walked off the catwalk of America's Next Top Model].
Overriding all the obvious political concerns, there is the simple fact that the show is entertaining, and has more drama than all the seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette combined. And did I mention that the girls are hot? Even the butch/andro firefighter, I find cute. I like all the bitching going on, and the attitudes of the girls towards the guys, though reproachable, is funny. The guys, especially the Italian dude, are just entertaining.
FYI, I dont usually watch MTV trash, much less reality TV trash. And even less of reality TV dating show trash. But this show is so unique, I just gotta.
Quotable quotes from the show so far: “Homophobia, I don’t know, is kinda like when you are scared of other guys. Homophobia, it is like a disease!” [Now say that with an Italian accent and you'll see why I love this show]
Yesterday I made contact with two former friends of mine. One is from the States whom I haven’t spoken to in a year or two[we simply lost touch], Ms T R. Or as I should now call her, Mrs T A. She is now a stay-at-home lesbian mum, married to another friend of mine, Ms K A. She told me our mutual friend Ms T K, who is all of nineteen, was getting married to her boyfriend [who happens to Ms K A's nephew]. I can reasonably guess why she is doing this at her tender age, given her past. But being me, I think it is a colossal mistake by the simple virtue of her being so young.
What is it about the girls around me? They get into relationships at the age of 17, 19, 22, and start talking about a marriage, family and a white picket fence the minute the relationship stabilises. Or sometimes even when the relationship is not stable. The other friend I made contact with, who is my age, expressed her desire to find a nice girl and “settle down” and urged me to do the same.
Why, girls? What is it about you, gay, straight or bisexual, which makes you want to exchange rings with the first person that comes by, especially when you are so young? It can’t just be the ones who are scarred and damaged, though they tend to be the ones who express these sentiments.
Take a breather. Enjoy your youth, enjoy dating people. You have your whole life ahead of you worry about mortgages, chores and kids. You may feel like you love that person a lot, and marriage can seem like a really good idea to hold on to him or her, to avoid losing that special person. When you are in love, your emotions may completely overwhelm your intellect and your good head… just keep in mind that there is a life beyond being in love and a relationship, though the movies say otherwise.
Love really isn’t everything.