Hiding in Shadows
Once upon a time, in a land far far away known only as The Closet, I did that. I crafted a completely untraceable online identity [short of tracing IP] in order to protect my identity in the queer world, because I was so afraid of being out. And of course, I was fairly critical of the government – I still am, I just don’t bother to say anything anymore. [more on that another day]
Now I am out to everyone except family – at least, I don’t bother to hide my orientation, if people ask. The only reason I keep using pleinelune is because it is a convenient identifier [and much cuter as a blogger-handle than my real name]. The thought of going back into the closet is almost physically painful, like I have to cut off an arm after enduring much pain with a bottle of Skele-gro.
I am not only an out-of-the-closet person, I am an activist by most definitions. As I’ve said in the past, I don’t know how many people know me. I haven’t bothered to find out, or try to control how far my name goes. I’ve simply not bothered about it, in everything I’ve done, from talks at PPC to Indignation to the Sayoni survey. Does the government keep an eye on gay activists? I have no idea. Do they have a file on me in the secret vaults of ISA? The great all-seeing eye of Sauron may know, but not me.
According to sources, my PR status puts me in the danger zone: this country, after all, welcomes foreign talent but requires them to shut up. By all means, come into this country, contribute to the GNP, form the rail-track that keeps this country running… but never speak in public. Better yet, don’t speak at all. After all, what can us foreigners possibly know anything about this country? We would contaminate this country with our other-worldly values. Singaporeans surely, know best, on how this country should be run. Oh wait, they don’t – the only people who know anything at all, whose opinion is the only one that matters, the people who know best, are the ones in charge.
You know what, I didn’t even want to say anything about this. When I renounced political blogging one or two years ago [again, more on that another day], it was with the understanding I would only care, or write, about what happens if it affected me directly. But my hand has been forced, so I am putting it out here. If people should know or care about this girl, then they should at least know what is going on.
To be told to go back into the background pisses me off more than you can imagine. The anger is not directed at the informants, but the institution that requires an unarmed, non-partisan, non-religious, over-worked and pussy-whipped 20-year old girl to shut up just because they don’t tolerate “foreigners” meddling into local affairs. At least for the next four years, after which I am apparently on better grounding to speak my mind.
Boys… wake up. I am no threat to national security and peace. I have better things to do than derail the current administration with any amount of public speaking – like do my bloody research binder and keep my girlfriend happy. Don’t worry, I am not ever taking a citizenship – Like I ever wanted to stay for good and contribute to this country who treats me like a third-class citizen. Wait, make that fourth-class. Once the mandatory three years are up after graduation, I am out. Thanks for the great memories.
P.S. I am aware my rage may make this entry rather incoherent, rude and perhaps rather abrupt. Will elaborate more when I am calmer.
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