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Voldemort in Court: Chapter 1

This series was inspired tangentially by the post I wrote, the comparative analysis of Harry Potter, the Holocaust and homophobia. I don’t write fanfiction, this is my virgin foray into the genre. But what happens here is so far removed from the Harry Potter world that I don’t think it even qualifies as one, but rather a parody of real life using well-loved characters. Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and every last wand belongs to J.K Rowling and Warner Bros.

Do NOT read ahead if you have not read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows yet.

Chapter 1

It starts from the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, near the climax where Harry faces Voldemort. But instead of killing him in two paragraphs, Harry merely disarms him.

Lord Voldemort was stunned. He clenched his fists, hoping to feel the wooden surface of his prized Elder Wand in it, but they closed on empty air. Within a split second, five stunners were aimed at him, lifting him off his feet where he hung enveloped by a eerie red light for a nanosecond, before crumpling down to the floor, unconscious.

2 Days Later

He was shoved roughly into a chair, and shackles came to life, binding him to the cold steel. Loyer Scrimgeour appraised the tall thin figure in the orange jumpsuit, from across the table. Voldemort didn’t look up, choosing to study the fractal patterns the water leaking from the walls was making.

“Morning, Mr Riddle,” Loyer announced pleasantly, realising Voldemort wasn’t going to speak.

“Call me Lord Voldemort,” came the curt reply.

“Okay… Lord Voldemort it is.” He paused, and waved his wand, and a brief appeared on table. He picked it up and starting flipping through it. “It is not looking good at all, Voldemort. The prosecution is charging you in every section of the Magical Community Penal Code possible, even the one about littering.”

“Littering? Just because I leave dead bodies around, it is littering now? Wait, since when is littering a criminal offence?”

“Since it is commonly accepted that we have to put people behind jail to show society’s disapproval for every single wrong thing. Just be happy they didn’t charge you under s377A – no one thinks you ever got laid. And yes, they don’t like the dead bodies, and that time you left the cauldron in the graveyard, they didn’t like that. The point is, they are out for blood, and they are going for capital punishment.”


“So, Mr Voldemort, if you wish to live, we need to start working fast.”

Voldemort peered at him suspiciously, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“You might have. I am the best magical criminal lawyer in Britain, I have wo-“. Voldemort cut him off, “You are Rufus’ brother, aren’t you?”

“Indeed… he likes catching criminals, I like letting them go. We had an exciting home life, Merlin rest his soul. Anyway, Mr… Lord Voldemort, we need to figure out a sort of plea bargaining. Let’s get real, you do not have chance of disproving most of the charges – there are multiple witnesses to most of the charges, as most of the Death Eaters under your former command have plea-bargained their charges already. They are absolutely willing to testify against you. And the Wizengamot… let’s just say they are more than willing to give you to the Dementors if someone could prove so much as littering.”

“You know what, I don’t care, plead guilty to all. It is all true anyway.”

“You don’t want to fight at least a few of them?”

“Nope.. I have a better solution.” Voldemort leaned across the table, and his mouth split open into an evil grin that distorted and stretched his waxy skin, “Counter-sue.”


February 25, 2008 - Posted by | Books, Humour, Law | , , ,

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