Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends, know me and have supported me. Now everyone in this room has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behaviour I engaged in. People want to know I could have done these things to my wife Evangeline, all 13 inches of her beautiful white plastic self.
I am sorry for cheating on you, Evangeline, with my iPhone. She was just too sexy.
But there is one thing I want to make clear: my wife has not given me an electric shock that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, I have never dropped her either.
I am deeply sorry. But now that you know, just shut one eye like Jack Neo’s wife, okay?